Breaking the habit
by Chandy-girl
Summary: A song-fic looking at Buffy and Spike's realtionship in series 6.


Breaking the Habit

A/N. All characters belong to Joss Whedon. If they didn't I would have a lot more money. The song and lyrics are all Linkin Parks.

_Memories consume _

_Like opening the wound_  
Spike sat on his chair holding a bottle of beer. Here he was again, trying to drown the pain away with alcohol. Not that it helps. The bitter memories were still a part of him, breaking into system and holding onto him. He had lived for so long, and all that time meant he had all those painful reminders, thoughts and memories.

_I'm picking me apart again  
_He hated himself sometimes. He could list all his faults, but he knew if he was going to live for eternity, he had to stop doing this to himself. He lighted a cigarette. All his bad habits should have killed him by know if he was human. The nicotine flowed soothingly into his veins as he stared at the clock.

_You all assume  
I'm safe here in my room  
_He didn't know if she was coming, never did. She was probably out slaying some poor vamp, or hanging out with those friends of hers. Not that he had anything against them. Except Harris... and Giles. But he was secretly quite fond of Willow and Dawn, called them 'Red' and 'Lil' Bit'. He knew they all underestimated him, because of his chip.

_Unless I try to start again_

He wondered what it would be like to drink a human again. Forgetting the pain, and have some nice fresh blood, but he knew that Buffy would stake him as soon as she laid eyes on him. He loved her, and that was stronger than any craving for human blood, even though she didn't realise it.

_I don't want to be the one  
The battles always choose_

He had no idea what he had done to deserve this. To be the only vampire to be unable to drink human blood. To be the only vampire stupid enough to fall for the Slayer. Well, there was Angel, but he didn't count, and anyway he was stupid. He had been put through so much and had got nothing out of it.

_'Cause inside I realize  
That I'm the one confused_

He didn't know what he was doing. He knew that as soon as he fell in love with Buffy, he should have fled Sunnydale and have never looked back. But he had underestimated love. Underestimated the hold it would have on him. This was stronger than the passion he had felt for Drusilla. This was love, and he had no idea what he was doing.

_I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream_

He was a vampire; he should be fighting for pain and darkness; not for love and light. His head versus his heart. Before his head had always taken command, his heart had nothing to do with it. He scowled; why couldn't things be simpler? Because it was him. With a sudden rage, he threw his beer bottle at the wall, causing it to smash into pieces.

_I don't know why I instigate  
And say what I don't mean_

He stared at the smashed bottle – in pieces – like the rest of his life. He caused trouble wherever he went, and not just normal trouble; he had more trouble than a normal vampire should. He had spent most of his life living a lie. From pretending about who he was to the authorities, to lying to himself. It had to stop, and he was going to find the only person he hated lying to.

_I don't know how I got this way  
I know it's not alright_

He grabbed his duster. His good, old, trust duster; there was something that never let him down. He was going to find Buffy. He stepped into the graveyard, closing the crypt door behind him. He was a bad person; he knew that, she knew that, everyone knew that. But he believed that he could change, and he would give anything if she could believe it to.

_So I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
Tonight_

He was going to change, he was determined to. He needed to stop wallowing in self pity, and become his old self again. Well not his old self, more like a brand new self. Tonight was the night where he was going to show Buffy and everyone else that he could change.

_Clutching my cure  
I tightly lock the door_

Buffy crashed into Spike in the cemetery.

"What are you doing?" she asked, "You know what, it doesn't matter."

She grabbed him and pulled him towards the crypt. She always did this. Spike was her drug; he made her feel better, about herself and the world. Even though she would never admit it, she needed him to take away the pain. He was her cure for this madness she was living in.

_I try to catch my breath again.  
_They stormed into the building, tangled up with each other. She knew that this was wrong, not only because she was the slayer and he the vampire, but because he was desperately in love with her, something she never wanted to admit to herself. She didn't love him, well she didn't think so, but if they kept on going like this it would be inevitable for her to fall for him.

_I hurt much more  
Than any time before  
I had no options left again_

She never used to feel like this before, so empty, so hollow inside. She was the slayer, she was strong, and around her friends and family she had to sow that strength. This was the only time she could ever let her true feelings out, and she knew that Spike wouldn't think any less of her.

_I don't want to be the one  
The battles always choose_

She didn't ask to be the Slayer, but she was stuck with it. It was just fight after fight, battle after battle. She didn't realise how emotionally exhausting, as well as physically exhausting this job was going to be. Not that this was really a job, she didn't choose it, and she sure as heck didn't want it.

_'Cause inside I realize  
That I'm the one confused_

She didn't know what was going to happen in the future. Was she going to be like this for the rest of her life? Was she going to keep living a lie? Was she going to stay with Spike? These questions swirled around her head, and if she kept pushing them away she was going end up with nowhere to go.

_I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream_

She was always fighting for the greater good, and never for herself. Always putting the needs of others, of the world before her. Maybe she needed to be a bit selfish, this was what this thing with Spike was, her being selfish. But who would save everyone if she had an emotional breakdown? This was the only way she could convince herself that being with Spike alright to do.

_I don't know why I instigate  
And say what I don't mean_

She told Spike she hated him. That he was the dirt below her feet. That wasn't true, and sometimes she wished that he could see that she didn't really mean it, that she was just causing trouble. Spike kept her going when things were tough, when there was no one else to turn to, but she just kept pushing him away.

_I don't know how I got this way  
I'll never be alright_

It was all Glory's fault. If she hadn't jumped off that bridge she would have been fine. She wouldn't have felt like this. Sometimes she blamed her friends, is the blackest part of her mind, but immediately felt bad for it. It wasn't their fault that she came back like this, but sometimes she felt like she wasn't only lying to the world, she was lying to them too.

_So, I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
Tonight_

She had to stop lying to the world, lying to herself and lying to the one person who loved her enough to keep on getting beat down for it.

"I don't hate you," she whispered quietly.

He stared at her, "I know."

"I don't love you either."

"I could never expect that from you, Buffy. I am just glad you're here with me."

They lapsed into silence again, Spike running his hands sown her hair. That's one lie out of the way, now for the others.

_I'll paint it on the walls  
'Cause I'm the one at fault_

'I'm not perfect' she thought 'And I can never be. No one is.' The thought made her strangely happy. The only way to stop feeling like this is to stop lying to myself. She knew she had done bad things, but that was from trying too hard to be everyone's savoir. But she needed saving herself.

_I'll never fight again  
And this is how it ends_  
Spike looked over to Buffy, who was sitting beside him. 'Maybe it's time to see if I can really change,' he thought, 'Maybe it's time to start fighting for what I believe in, not what I should believe in. I should believe in evil, but I believe in Buffy, and if she can keep on going, so can I.'

They both looked at each other. This was more than a habit, this was all they had. They needed each other, Spike for love and change, and Buffy for comfort and someone to cling on.

Maybe they wouldn't need to break their habit after all.

_I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream_  
_But now I have some clarity  
to show you what I mean  
I don't know how I got this way  
I'll never be alright  
So, I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
Tonight_


End file.
